As a long-time Zelda fan, I was eager to get my hands on the newest installment in Nintendo’s legendary franchise. I finally finished the game earlier this week and, while the game was certainly good, I was left with the feeling that Nintendo lured me into its metaphorical van with promises of lollipops and cotton candy but instead crammed a foot-long, spiky dildo into my sweet, virgin asshole.

I would like to preamble this rant with the concession that I really did enjoy Spirit Tracks. Really, I did. The graphics were crisp and the writing was about as good as anybody could expect from a Zelda game. Plus, the six dungeons found in the game were challenging enough to satisfy me and had some truly unique and creative puzzles that integrated the new items and the phantom extremely well. I hope this admission will be enough to placate rabid Zelda fans, because the rest of this article will be dedicated to how utterly pissed off I am that Nintendo took a great idea and turned it into a marathon of engineering nonsense that should only serve as an example of just how stupid experienced game developers can be when they lose sight of the bigger picture when dealing with an established franchise.

My first complaint with Spirit Tracks is that it insists on using the same control scheme as Phantom Hourglass. While I thought that the touch screen-only approach was neat in its own way, it seems to me that Link is generally more satisfying to control when using the classic d-pad and face buttons. Let’s face it: Phantom Hourglass was experimental, and the experiment was only moderately successful. There’s no reason to continue using a flawed control scheme. None. It’s like how middle-aged wives keep trying to make a good fruit cake every Christmas and don’t realize that all the nice neighborhood folks she gives them to hate her now for forcing such an awful brick of inedible, brown mess down their throats year after year. She’s ruining Christmas by not learning from her mistakes, and that’s exactly what Nintendo did with Spirit Tracks. They ruined Christmas. Is there really any reason to not give Link a standard control scheme, even when a touch screen is available? Imagine how much better this game could have been if the only time the touch screen came into use was for certain items and minigames. Hell, it would be an improvement just because then we wouldn’t have to deal with a stylus obscuring a portion of the screen at all times. Imagine what Ocarina of Time would have been like if you had to play the whole thing with a stick taped to your TV. Ugh. It would be easy to forgive the touch screen controls if they seemed to add to the experience, but all it did for me was piss me off.

Of course, this wouldn’t be a proper rant about Spirit Tracks if I didn’t talk about that godforsaken train. Zelda is first and foremost a franchise based around exploration and adventure. The ability to go anywhere and check out Hyrule at your own pace has been a staple of the series since the original. So how does it make ANY sense that Link should be confined to pre-set tracks when he’s in the overworld? Insofar as explorative vehicles go, trains have to rank dead last. Instead of having the option to go in any direction, the only available directions are forward and backward. Sure, occasionally you might get the option to turn left or right, but really the options for exploration are so limited that I felt like Nintendo just didn’t trust me to explore this version of Hyrule. Maybe that’s for the better, since most of it was barren and poorly-textured, save a few roaming enemies and a pointless rabbit minigame. Everything about the train was boring and contrived, and the fact that the world around it was ugly only served to make things worse.

To be fair, Spirit Tracks was not a bad game. The problem I’m having is that I’ve come to expect a certain level of quality from the Zelda series and Spirit Tracks, quite frankly, could have been leaps and bounds better than it actually was. For example, nixing the archaic top-down viewpoint would have allowed for more scenery and bigger set pieces. It’s my understanding that the DS is at least as powerful as the N64, so it should have been able to handle the likes of Lake Hylia and Hyrule Field just fine. Forcing players to look down into a tiny box takes away the whole, “ooh, I’m in a big, pretty place!” factor that the other 3D Zeldas have. I would have also liked to see some new art direction just because I think Toon Link deserves a break. He’s been the star of (technically) six Zelda games, which is more than double the amount any other style Link has seen and, while Wind Waker remains one of my favorite games of all time, I think it’s time Nintendo hung up his little booties and created a new Link to take his place. I’m afraid this will never happen just because of brand recognition, though. There’s always the possibility that Nintendo is refusing to let Toon Link die because they think that having a familiar character associated with the series will boost sales. Regard

Thanks to Starman for the idea and Kotaku for the image.

A resounding “Bang” detonated across the scene followed by the words “Head Shot!” - shortly there after a small chime rings signaling achievement/trophy/medal unlocked. These  aforementioned achievements cloud our vision and poison the enjoyment and purity of the games themselves.

As achievements become more pervasive in gaming they continue to cheapen appreciation of each games’ inherent qualities. By nature I enjoy “accomplishment” or success and with the introduction of achievements I began to enjoy them as they showed that I “accomplished” something in-game.

Having an external set of goals such as achievements steals from the game itself, detracting from the enjoyment of whatever goals or satisfaction might be gleaned from the game as we are trained and baited to recognize in-game accomplishment with “achievements”. In other words we start to pair in-game success with  achievements such that without said achievements you don’t feel as though you actually ‘accomplish’ or succeed to the same extent.   I am sure I am not the only person who has tried to play through a game on the hardest difficulty because otherwise I would not ‘get credit’ or ‘as much credit’ for beating each portion of the game only to not enjoy the game as much as I was not truly seeking that level of difficulty or challenge.

In turn this means that the “purest form” of gaming found on home consoles this generation is the Nintendo Wii despite the shovel-ware and waggle motion that plagues much of its’ library. I personally hope they never have “achievements” for portable game systems and wish this trend could stop where it is.

PS3:

-Demon’s Souls; Release Date: 10/06/09 (Scoring roughly 90 on metacritic a PS3 exclusive in the action RPG genre) - Preview Post: http://www.megatonik.com/2009/08/under-marketed-end-of-the-year-video-game-gem/

Strategy Guides:

-Uncharted 2: Among Thieves OSG from BradyGames; Release Date 10/06/09 (If you want an early look in on the game - there is also a multiplayer demo available on PSN)

-Burtal Legend OSG from Prima; Release Date 10/06/09 (Early look on this extremely marketed title - I’m still skeptical)

XB360:

Yet more Grand Theft Auto(re-release of the download-able content in a set), 4 was over-acclaimed as it stands

Multi:

More Sports (NBA2K10/NBA Live 2010), and a semi-realistic shooter Operation Flashpoint that might be worth a rent

Nintendo DS:

Might as well pull out the old Pocket Monsters titles

PC:

Web Surfing, it’s a way of life

Nintendo Wii:

Leave the dust on it this week

PSP:

-Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars; Release Date: 10/05/09 (Previous DS iteration scoring 93 on metacritic) Moved to the 20th

“Here we are again with another cash cow being brought out to graze.   Is it a bad thing?”

Loved:

Contrast of Night and Day - The day scenes (vehicles and turrets galore) having you partake in flashbacks to what has happened to the rest of your team, and the night scenes presenting a foreboding loneliness as you search for clues on the rest of your squad.

5 Hours - Campaign is roughly 5 hours long playing straight through on normal so this is the type of campaign you could play through in an evening.

4  Player Cooperative - (including the campaign) Firefight is another great way to play (4-player) co-op with buddies as your fight against waves of enemies on about 12 maps whilst skulls (different gameplay elements such as only regenerating stamina when bashing, or enemies throwing grenades constantly) are activated/deactivated.   Many of you are familiar with this concept by now….Resistance 2/Gears of War 2/Call of Duty World at War all had similar outings.

Halo 3 Multi-player Suite Three new multiplayer maps (including a midship remake, one medium, and one large map) on a second disk including them along with all of the halo 3 maps (all the downloadable content) with theatre/forge completely intact.

Nathan Fillion - Plays one of the main ODST squad mates, in likeness and voice

Wait, the game needs…Characters? - Being about the ODST squad as a whole, I felt it had far more life to the characters you interact with on a regular basis, in addition to a greater sense of vulnerability versus the previous iterations of Halo.   Excluding the fact that “The Rookie” you play as says absolutely nothing and is basically the same “character” as master chief after all the life comes in with the rest of your squad.

Battlefield Earth - The only type of enemies you run into are covenant, which I much prefer to fight versus the option of the flood.

“Hey Listen” - Great side story you may listen to/watch via a slideshow presentation or nab and listen to on the run as you acquire them, which encourages you to explore the city and regails you with another perspective on the events

Hated:

More Halo - Nothing truly “new” here in terms of gameplay elements, and the graphics make no further steps over Halo 3 either (although I did like the telephone spitting quarters in one scene).   I can’t even say they polished it in comparison to the prior titles…we’ve begun into the realm of EA and Capcom on this one.

Game says “Buy Halo Reach” - Ending is less than climactic, seems to be more of an interim to Halo: Reach, despite reach being a precursor in the story as far as I’m aware.   I’m thinking the real advancements if any will be had in the next game….then again I’m being sadly reminded of the Star Wars prequels, and I’m not even going to get into that.

Firefight has NO MATCHMAKING - You will have to round up the people you want to play with yourself (Definitely a drag on this whole package in my book)

Your wound is fatal…Too bad - Still missing out on the idea of support players (medic in TF2, Ammo class in Resistance 2, directly relevant respawn mechanics a ‘la Gears of War, or even the ability to carry/share medpacks in Left for Dead) or even truly cooperative gameplay elements in and of themselves leads the cooperative portions  left with something to be desired.

Cat and Mouse - Shield recharge idea still promotes the pop out and shoot/hide for a bit and recharge gameplay (Looking at the idea behind diablo 3 as enemies killed will replenish your health…not to say it hasn’t been done before, so you could keep progressing as opposed to all the cat and mouse you must play).

(My experience with the game involved playing through the campaign once on normal solo, playing a few multiplayer firefight matches, and trying out the ‘new’ multiplayer maps at least a couple of times online)

Final Verdict: While I am content with my purchase of ODST - one of the greatest reasons for that is that I am very fond of cooperative multiplayer modes, and enjoy a short campaign as I actually like to be able to finish my games….(6 to 10 hours really hits the spot for me).   Unless you are a Halo fan; would really like another cooperative game or just the new Firefight mode or simply play Halo 3 all the time and want to get all the downloadable maps you have been missing out on in multiplayer, I simply can’t justify buying this versus upcoming titles this Christmas.   As a stand-alone product, especially disregarding the fact that it is largely more of the same, you will certainly get your moneys’ worth (the halo 3 multiplayer is completely intact along with all of the maps and the three new ones…which is no small thing, as it is still a fantastic example of console-shooter-multiplayer).

Holding on to my own copy of Katamari Forever as of two days ago, I was quite astonished to have it what seems to be ‘early’.

In a recent and consistent string of events (Mini Ninjas, and Muramasa come to mind) Katamari Forever arrived available for purchase earlier than online counterparts such as amazon even started shipping them out (Amazon has yet to release its’ copies until tomorrow).

This PS3 rendition of the Katamari games is a great fan service, and a fantastic conglomeration of old and new Katamari levels with a few new minor tweaks and additions to make it one of the best releases in the series.   A game with a very simple premise, roll things up.

Likes

-Best looking title in the series due to some stylish overlays

-the ability to jump adds a new element to the series with the new levels (For those of you who feel it takes away from the gameplay on the renditions of old levels, you will be happy to know many of the levels feature a ‘classic’ style that you unlock which will take out jumping)

-Trophies for those of you whom are achievement enthusiasts

-Same Katamari feel, same Katamari control style, and that’s not a bad thing

Dislikes

-Most of the game has been done before in the Katamari series including re-used levels and remixed songs

-Sixaxis implementation for jumping is horrible (luckily you can hit R2 to jump instead)

Overall, I’d recommend it to those whom are just looking to try the series out as a great place to start and anyone who is a fan of the series that wants more of the same (albeit with a few tweaks and new levels, obviously I baught in - I’ve been enjoying it thoroughly).

Hit the jump for images of the quick sign-up and download process at www.ddo.com.

Make a piece of Japanese/Muramasa inspired Fan Art, and upload it to the Official Muramasa site for a shot at 1,000 bucks any time before September 28th.

For a direct quote about the contest hit the jump…

“Entry Period. The “MURAMASA FAN ART CONTEST” (the “Contest”) begins at 12:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time (”PST”) July 24, 2009 and ends 11:59 p.m. PST on September 28, 2009 (”Contest Period”). Online access via Contest website is required for detailed information and instructions.

Contest Overview Ignition Entertainment is looking for some amazing artists inspired by the beautiful art direction in our newest Wii game, Muramasa, to create Muramasa-inspired Japanese-style fan art. The winner of the grand prize for the contest will receive $1000 as well as have their art featured and publicized! Enter now through www.muramasathedemonblade.com“

As I have been following this title for awhile it was somewhat confusing to me to see that Gamestop is now shipping this title (http://www.gamestop.com/Catalog/ProductDetails.aspx?product_id=73359) where as many others including IGN and Amazon denote the release date as the 8th. I have acquired myself a copy from Gamestop as of today and can attest to its’ availability at my locale.

Gamestop slip up?   Shipped early/some sort of deal Gamestop made without my knowledge?    I’m just happy to say that if you head to Gamestop you should be able to purchase Muramasa today.

Well, this review will probably be about as short as my time spent with this game.  Tomb Raider: Underworld is not fly at all.  It’s about as fly as a penguin, who can’t even fly in the first place, who got his wings cut off.  I was hoping to pick up a tomb-robbin’ action adventure fix to tide me over until Uncharted 2 drops in October, but instead I got a half-assed platformer with half-assed puzzle design, shitty combat, and a cracked out camera.

You’re going to be missing jumps all the time because the camera makes it difficult to really tell where you’re jumping, or it will be at an awkward angle that means you need to point your left stick just a LITTTTLE bit more to the left if you wanna jump to that ledge, instead of into the abyss of some terrible chasm.  Also, don’t get TOO close to that ledge you want to jump up to, because instead of jumping up Lara will just do this weird wall-hump/head slam thing until you back up and try again.

The puzzles are also ridiculously stupid and tedious.  I didn’t get past the FIRST level, but I quickly picked up on the fact that the devs, instead of making a puzzle kind of cool or interesting, instead opted to just make you do everything twice to inflate game time.  AWESOME.

The combat is also terrible.  You don’t really aim, you just kind point in the direction of stuff and let the auto-aim take over…. it’s not incredibly exciting, to say the least.
Last, let’s talk about Lara herself.  I feel like Tomb Raider is kind of the video game equivalent of a Hooters; sure, it’s not the best food/gameplay out there, but man oh man, BOOBS, AM I RIGHT BRO?  HELL YEAH HIGH FIVE MORE COORS LIGHT!!! But, Lara doesn’t even look all that hot.  Her skin has this really weird pallor to it, and her face is in this weird scrunched up look all the time that is just not attractive.  Also, the game has this mechanic where your character model gets dirtier as you go through the levels.  What this means in the first level, where Lara is wearing a one-piece swimsuit that shows half her ass and doesn’t even have leggings or ANY KIND OF COVERING OVER YOUR FEET AS YOU SWIM THROUGH SHARK INFESTED WATERS AND THEN CLIMB THROUGH A CRUMBLING TOMB THAT PROBABLY HAS SHARP ROCKS ALL OVER THE FLOOR DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT THIS GAME AT ALL JESUS CHRIST DEVELOPERS… anyway, what this means in Lara’s wetsuit is that it looks like she pooped her pants.  Pretty hot, dudes.

So, basically, don’t rent this game.  It’s a less than mediocre platformer that is a waste of your time and your GameQ.  Just put in Uncharted.