As a long-time Zelda fan, I was eager to get my hands on the newest installment in Nintendo’s legendary franchise. I finally finished the game earlier this week and, while the game was certainly good, I was left with the feeling that Nintendo lured me into its metaphorical van with promises of lollipops and cotton candy but instead crammed a foot-long, spiky dildo into my sweet, virgin asshole.
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E3 is, finally, right around the corner and us games journalist types are getting antsy. Because the show is slated to bring back the glitz and glam of the E3s of yore, we might finally be spared another Giant Enemy Crab or Ravi Drums incident. Of course, bringing back booth babes doesn’t necessarily mean that the games that will be unveiled this year will be anything to get excited over. Because my soul is torn between hopeful optimism and jaded pessimism, I will offer here my predictions on what the best and worst possibilities of this year’s E3 might have in store for us.
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Holy balls, you guys. Turtles in motherfucking Time! I can’t be the only person whose excitement for this game immediately made every drop of blood rush to the hardest damn erection this side of the Mississippi. This was THE beat-’em-up game of my childhood, and now it’s back in glorious 3D. Of course, I’m a titch concerned that this remake will bastardize my much-beloved SNES memories of the game (I have the words “prehistoric turtlesaurus” looping in my brain right now) but the benefits of a full remake far outweigh the possible pitfalls. Think of all they could do with this! Maybe they’ll add a new level? How about Splinter as an unlockable character? Jesus Dicknippling Christ, I’m pumped for this shit. What if they added–*gasp!*–4 player mode? Hell yeah, just drop twice the number of enemies on the players and it might finally beat out Castle Crashers as the best XBLA 4-player game.

Via gossipgamers

Comic unrelated to the rest of this post.

Ah, May. A month that video game bloggers/journalists dislike simply because there just isn’t too much to write about. With E3 just around the corner, most publishers and developers are holding back their best news for the expo. But hey, that doesn’t mean that video game sites are defunct right now; it just means we have to be creative.
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Earlier this week, Harmonix officially announced a new Rock Band title… with a twist. This next 4-player rock fest—set for release for 360, PS3, Wii and DS—will feature Legos. Yes, those colored little bricks with which you used to make wicked sweet castles with laser turrets and chainsaw-breathing dragons. Sure, it seems like an odd fit, but Harmonix hopes that it’ll be two great tastes that taste great together. My experience with Lego Star Wars, Lego Batman and Lego Indiana Jones makes me agree. I mean, who doesn’t want to create a Lego version of him- or herself and use the power of rock to take down a giant robot (yes, that’s supposed to actually be in the game).
Of course, with so many franchises being Lego-fied lately, I’ve been thinking… what other franchises deserve this most auspicious of treatment? Here are a few ideas:
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Happy Easter, internet! It is on this most holy of occasions that I find myself dwelling on a topic I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time dwelling on: video games. Oddly, it only occurred to me today that the games industry is pretty much the same thing as Jesus Christ, just without the manic, fanatical following.

Oh, wait… I forgot that I wrote for a video game blog for a moment there.

Anyway, here are a few of the eerie similarities I’ve noticed:
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Nintendo has just released their list of upcoming titles for both the Wii and DS during Iwata’s Game Developer’s Conference keynote speech along with a few juicy details on what to expect from their biggest titles. Here’s what we have to look forward to in the next year and beyond:
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