Well, ok, second best. The best video game related trade I ever made was when I traded my cousin Will a bunch of beanie babies for his Dreamcast. I almost feel bad for swindling him so hard. But, this is about my second best trade ever, which was trading in Fable 2 straight up for Grand Theft Auto IV. Because, even though I made a 2-hour round-trip to get Fable 2 at midnight, stayed up ‘til 7 A.M. playing it, and let it consume my life for about two weeks, I have now come to loathe Fable 2. It has nothing to do with the game’s genre or any of the technical aspects of the game (its control scheme, meh graphics, HORRENDOUS load times, etc.); from a technical aspect I pretty much enjoyed the game. No, my main beef with Fable 2 is how it fails so utterly and completely at one of its highly promised intangible features: the ability to emotionally engage a player.

A quick warning: I will be bringing up specific parts of the game’s story, so this article will contain spoilers. If you’re that worried about it, you can probably go beat the game right now in about five minutes anyway. It is seriously that short.

Fable 2 was supposed to tug at our heart strings from start to finish, with the villain killing off our only kin before our eyes, the introduction of a faithful canine companion, an adoring spouse and child, and of course a public who would seemingly wipe their butt with their hands if you convinced them it was the cool thing to do (possible ass-wiping gestures in DLC?). But the problem with all these characters is that they are so flat, so poorly developed, that you don’t form any sort of real emotional bond with any of them.

Your sister is only around for a total of 15-20 minutes of game play, so while I know that my character should feel outraged at that asshole for busting a cap in her, I don’t feel anything – I, as a player, know her about as well as the guy who handed me a hamburger in the Wendy’s drive-through, because she dies pretty much right after I learn her name. Since her death is supposed to be what ultimately drives your character through all these crazy hoops to take down the ultimate bad guy, shouldn’t Lionhead take the time to make you feel emotionally attached to your sister? I understand that you don’t want to keep a player from the game proper for too long by keeping them shafted in the childhood stage, but maybe flesh out your deceased sibling through flashbacks later in the story. You can dig up your sister’s old journal later on in the game, but this is only if you’re like me and spent hours combing through the city with your dog looking for every tiny treasure in every corner.

Albion’s general population is even worse; it seems every character is just an amalgam of stereotypes. Citizens are divided by class (rich, poor, or middle), age, and gender, and everyone in a certain grouping seems to wear the same freaking clothes, talk with the same accent and similar diction, and react the exact same way to certain actions and gestures. Oh, and apparently the only way to have a skin color other than white is to become the world’s most powerful Will user. They are not people; they are pixel puppets for you to manipulate into liking you (or fearing you) for the sole purpose of giving you free crap or discounts. I can’t tell Rich Lady A apart from Rich Lady B, save for the fact that when I pull up a menu about them it tells me that one likes to watch me dance while the other enjoys me flexing my muscles. One isn’t dressed in dancing attire while the other looks more in shape; one doesn’t tell me I look like a good dancer while the other compliments my physique; you don’t learn about the people around you organically through their words and actions, you learn by highlighting them and bringing up a bland menu.

This is exasperated by the fact that you choose your partner from this pool of mediocrity. Save special partners that you can wed whilst doing quests (such as Alex or the resurrected Lady Grey), your partners are the same soulless, faceless, and usually unattractive people that populate Albion. So, your spouse isn’t that special besides the fact that they are your spouse, which is just a random choice on your part anyway, since it is stupidly easy to get someone to marry you. And then you get a child, who is just as blank and soulless as his NPC parent. The only thing that separates them from the common public is that they are incredibly whiny and needy. “Sorry I missed dinner, honey, but I’m kind of saving the world. You’ll get over it.” I’d much rather Lionhead make only a small number of partners be available to date or wed, but make these certain individuals feel like real people. Unique personality, intriguing back story, interesting motivations, etc.; something to make your choice of partner feel like it means something, instead of just being more akin to eeny-meeny-miney-moe.

Finally, your faithful puppy. Okay, I did get emotionally attached to the dog, but I suspect that’s because I’m one of those weirdoes who will talk baby talk to a random stray dog that’s walking down the street. But, I think most people become attached to the dog just because the game forces you to be; he’s so helpful there’s no reason not to heal him, love him, and reward him, as he warns you of enemies, helps you in combat, and finds buried treasure for you. So, I would say the dog is probably the most successful aspect of Fable from an emotional standpoint, but this is more a bond made out of an already pre-existing love for canines or an appreciation of usefulness, not because it is a fleshed out character. But, that’s okay; it is just a dog, after all. The dog is probably the most successful and interesting aspect in Fable 2, and I’m not afraid to take a break from my rant to give Lionhead a pat on the back for a job well done. So, thanks for the puppy, guys.

As much vitriol as I’m spitting at Fable 2, I honestly didn’t notice these problems until the end of the game’s storyline. It’s pretty easy to overlook that all the people look the same and act the same while you’re hunting for epic weapons, cutting down bandits, and becoming a medieval real estate mogul. I’m not going to deny that the game, while you’re in the midst of it, is pretty damn fun. Feeling like a badass hero, being able to wield spells, swords, and pistols, and leveling up is awesome and fun. Thus, why I became so enthralled my first play through. But when the ending came, and I was presented with Fable 2’s big moral choice, I didn’t even have to take pause to make up my mind. And that’s when I knew Fable 2, though fun, had ultimately failed.

For those not in the know, you get three choices at the end of Fable: You can get a boat-load of money, you can resurrect the countless and nameless people who died at the hands of Fable’s villain, or you can resurrect your recently murdered dog and family. Well, you don’t need money; you can literally turn off your Xbox, twiddle your thumbs, and come back later and money appears in your character’s pockets. As for the second choice, you as a player have no incentive to save the countless millions, and you also have no emotional attachment to the people of Albion because, for reasons I pointed out earlier, they don’t even seem like people but instead mindless drones. Finally, you can choose to bring back the one aspect of the game you probably have formed a bond with – your dog – and to boot you get your (useless) family back.

This isn’t a hard choice! This is like Halo taking away all of your guns at the end of the game, then asking you if you want an infinite ammo cheat, to save the Marines who died on a mission with you, or to give you all your guns back. Of course you want your guns, they’re essential to the game; Fable is designed so that the dog is pretty much essential to the game, so of course you’re going to choose it!

If Fable 2 is supposed to be this awesome, organic world shaped by your actions that’s supposed to make you feel the true weight of your actions, then what does it say about the game when the biggest moral choice of the game doesn’t even make you blink? If the world is full of mindless drones, how is the world going to feel rich, interactive, and organic and make you care about your actions? “OOOH, I did good things so now I have a halo around mah head!” That’s a not “consequence”; that’s not a true representation of “moral choice”; that’s cookie-cutter bullshit, just like the rest of Fable 2: a less-than-inspired storyline, ridiculously unimaginative landscape and architecture, slapped-on multiplayer co-op, and horribly stereotypical villains and fellow heroes. Sure, you can keep getting more crap and strive to make more people follow you around with hearts over their head; but that’s not what Fable was supposed to be. That just makes it a normal, dime-a-dozen action-adventure RPG game, and, in hindsight, a huge disappointment.

So, I hate Fable 2. But why is it the (second) best trade ever that I got GTAIV for Fable? Because I feel like GTA succeeds where Fable fails, an argument I will make in part two, because you probably need a bathroom break after reading all of that.