Nintendo’s press conference just wrapped up. It was just terrible. How terrible? I’ll break it down in a few easy-to-digest paragraphs and even boldify all the important bits.

First, Cammie Dunnaway came on stage and regaled us with her life story and how she went snowboarding once, which was an excellent segway for the introduction of Shaun White Snowboarding, which uses the Wii Balance Board. It looks like a generic snowboarding game and should be completely overlookable.

Next, Satoru Iwata comes on stage to tell HIS life story, but at least most of it is about his time with Nintendo. Lots of PR stuff that nobody cares about, but he hints that there might be people working on new Mario and Zelda titles.

Katsuya Eguchi comes on screen next and describes his inspiration for creating Animal Crossing, which leads to the introduction of:

Animal Crossing: City Folk
-Similar graphics to the Gamecube version with the scrolling world style seen in Wild World
-Players can now leave their towns and go to the city to visit the Happy Room Academy, Gracie, and other locales
-Supports Wii Speak, a new microphone peripheral that works for a full room (instead of a headset)
-Looks like it has Mii support
-Will, obviously, be online

Reggie finally takes the stage, but only to talk about how well their systems are selling. After an eon of boring talking, he gets around to 3 new games that have already been announced:

Rayman Raving Rabbids: TV Party
-Plenty of waggling minigames
-Supports the balance board
-Coming in Fall 2008

Star Wars: Clone Wars
-Use waggling to swing your lightsaber or use the force
-Looks like a straightforward fighting game
-Coming holiday 2008

Call of Duty: World at War
-Uses the Wii Zapper
-Looks like it controls a lot like Metroid Prime 3

Cammie comes back on stage for even more PR crap that nobody cares about. There was a slew of graphs on sales and such. Eventually they got around to:

Guitar Hero: On Tour: Decades
-Features “Song Share,” which allows players to play multiplayer between On Tour titles.

Spore Creatures
-Nothing new was shown about this game

Cammie also announces a new Pokemon Ranger, dubbed Pokemon Ranger: Shadows of Almin, but failed to give any details beyond that. She also goes on to announce:

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars
-Set in a modern Liberty City
-Features a custom game engine

She then talks about how Nintendo is looking at utilizing the DS in new and interesting ways, like tracking flights and luggage and finding nearby resaurants. Afterwards they announced that Cooking Navi is finally coming to North America.

They finally get around to describing Wii MotionPlus, which is supposed to give true 1:1 motion control. It will be packed in with:

Wii Sports Resort
-Features games like Disc Dog, Jet Skiing, and Sword Dualing
-Looks like the MotionPlus add-on is very precise

Afterwards, the stage darkens and smoke fills the room. Music is playing in the background dramatically. Suddenly, Wii Music is let loose upon the populace!

Wii Music
-Features drums, saxaphone, cowbell, guitar, violin, and plenty of other instruments as well as conducting
-Designed so that everybody can play
-Impossible to lose at–in fact, it doesn’t judge you, it’s more like a toy
-You can record videos and create your own music videos with this system

And that’s it. That was the whole conference. No Metroid Dread. No storage space solution. No Kid Icarus. I can only hope that they have something more interesting during the show. Bawwwww