A few weeks ago I did an article on Cool Spot where I showcased the best parts and discussed some of my feelings toward it. Well, it turns out that I had so much fun that I’ve decided to make F*CK YEAH! a weekly article (given that I’m able to keep myself motivated) where I’ll be showcasing some of my favorite games and giving some truly thought-provoking insight into each of them. After all, what better time to start something new than with the launch of MEGATONik’s brand-spankin’-new look?

This is journalism at its most hardcore, people, so just sit back, relax, and prepare to learn about a little game called Toy Commander for the SEGA Dreamcast. Again, I’ll have to remind you all that this article contains extreme vulgarity, so hit the jump at your own risk!

Holy dicks was this game ever incredible! Toy Commander was originally released in 1999 by a now-defunct French developer by the name of No Cliché. The basic premise of the game is that this kid named Andy gets some new toys for Christmas and his old toys feel neglected. Yes, I can see the parallels between this game and Disney/Pixar’s Toy Story, but just bear with me because if Toy Story’s plot went the same direction as Toy Commander, it would have been 37.66 (repeating, of course) times cooler, and I bet Woody would have gotten into a hardcore threesome with Bo Peep and the Slinky Dog at the end. Seriously, though, even though the beginning premise is similar, Toy Commander takes the whole thing in a completely different direction. See, instead of all of the toys just getting along or whatever bullshit that movie was about, the old toys that get forgotten strike the fuck back!

Naturally, you play as the awesome new military toys that Andy got for Christmas (because who would want to play as a bunch of old, shitty toys?), and your primary nemesis is Huggy Bear. Yeah, sounds like a total fag, right? Wrong. Just look at this badass motherfucker:

Holy SHIT! Is that a fucking gatling gun strapped to his fucking arm?! That is AWESOME! Shit, this is cooler than when the Hindenburg went down! If you can’t quite grasp exactly why this is awesome, here’s a simple equation explaining my reasoning:

Admit it, if YOU saw a bear wandering around with a gatling gun, you’d pee yourself too. Hell, as if having a gat for a fucking fist weren’t enough, he has a pissed-off posse that includes a truck, some crazy Clown fucker, a pirate ship, a motherfucking pegasus, and that goddamn RC car that saved Buzz and Woody’s ass at the end of the movie. It might seem pretty lame at first, but consider the following:

A truck: Shit, have you ever had a truck barreling at you at full force? That shit would be terrifying.
Clown fucker: A lot of people have a clown phobia, so it only makes sense that No Cliché would throw one in just to fuck with people. Besides, haven’t any of you cockbags ever seen Stephen King’s IT?
A pirate ship:  Motherfucking PIRATES! SHIT!
A pegasus: it’s a goddamn horse with wings, what more do you want? Hercules rode on one of these badass motherfuckers, and that dude killed the devil and shit.
RC car: fuck, I don’t know, but just look at that cocky little bitch.

But I digress, since the real draw to Toy Commander isn’t its storyline, or even discarded toys ridiculously equipped with snake hands or some Salvador Dalí shit like that. It’s the motherfucking gameplay. Essentially, there were three “classes” you could choose from: cars, helicopters, and planes. While each vehicle could obtain the same weapons, all three classes played completely differently and overall it made for some pretty interesting combat. Multiplayer was better than pretty much anything else out at the time with (maybe) the exception of the original Smash Brothers. Speaking of which, motherfucking BRAWL comes out this week, and I’ll be waiting in the goddamn line for 12 hours and then writing about it, so stay the fuck tuned for that. Fuck!